In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Designated Hitter
A couple are in bed talking, and the boyfriend decides to make a joke. He says, “Just think, if your breasts could give milk, we could get rid of all the cows. And if your vagina could lay eggs, we could get rid of all the chickens.”

“Oh, yeah?” she replies. “Well, if you could get it up, we’d be able to fire the pool guy.”

Jose Fraga
Frackville, PA

House Rules
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a drink.

“Get out!” yells the bartender. “I don’t serve drunks here.”

The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and loudly demands a drink.

“I thought I just told you to get out,” says the bartender.

So the drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He again sits down and angrily calls for a drink.

The bartender walks over to the guy and yells, “I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out!”

The drunk looks up and slurs, “Hey, buddy, how many fuckin’ bars do you work at, anyway?”

Jacinthe MacEachern
South Porcupine, Canada

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever bought a used hat!

Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir I’m just a tax collector.”

Two teenagers were walking through a park when they saw two rabbits getting it on, fast and furious.

“What are they doing?” asked the girl.

“They’re jumping rope,” said the boy. “Maybe I’ll teach you how someday.”

“I think I want you to teach me now,” said the girl. So the two went behind some bushes and started getting it on. When the boy had his pants down, the girl asked what that was behind his “rope.”

“That,” said the boy, “that’s my knot.”

“Well,” said the girl, “untie the knot and give me some more rope.”

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, ?Hey Tim, what’re you in for??

?I’m getting my tonsils out — I’m a little worried,? said Tim.

?Oh don’t worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!?

?Oh yeah?” replied Tim. ?That’s not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What’re you here for??

?I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered.

?Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for two years!?

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.

”Where have you been?” asked the man.

”I can’t believe you left me down there! I couldn’t get the tailgate open!”

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that!” There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded,”Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.”

Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”

“Rubbish,” says the girl.

“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”

“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”