King of the Jungle

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”

The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
—D. Cartwright, Manhattan, KS

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover’s Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you, I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ”I have to be honest with you now. I’m a cab driver and it’ll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.”

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb’s in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

”Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb’s came out.”

“Suzy,” Grandma said. “I know you’ve been eating cookie dough. Sit down.” Then Jill came down and said ”Grandma, I went poo and there were bb’s in it.”

“Jill, I know you’ve been eating cookie dough. Sit down.” About five minutes later little Billy came.

”Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!”

1. Always looks like he’s pledging allegiance.
2. His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.
3. He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy’s “Joy of Grease.”
4. He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.
5. After years of eating intravenously, he can make his arm burp.
6. According to his EKG, his heartbeat has the same rate as a strobe light.
7. Number one supporter is the Grim Reaper.
8. During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting “Operation Dessert Storm.”
9. After every press conference there’s a man standing over his body saying, “Clear!”
10. Let’s face it: He’s a politician.

Two sperm are walking down the street. How do you know which one is happy?

It’s the one with egg on its face!

Why do they put guys in road construction?

So girls get the chance to whistle at guys on the streets.

Bill Clinton broke the 11th commandment. ”Thou shalt not use thy rod on thy Staff”

Two blondes walk into a building.

You would figure one of them would have seen it.

A deaf-mute strolls into a pha

You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.