One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The man says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The lady explains, “Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me. If a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn’t for me either.” Then she said, “How do you unlock your door?”

The man answered, “Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock…”

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked himhow he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

Q:What’s a drug ring in Dallas?

A: A huddle.

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. Acop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies. About this time thecop looks down to see that the man’s diddle is hanging out of his fly forall the world to see.

He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Ohhh,God…they got my girlfriend too!”

One day Adam and Eve noticed God standing before them holding a bag.

“Hi, God. What’s in the bag?” asked Eve.

“These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation.” Godrummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standingup?”

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. “Me! Me!Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work Icould get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would helpso much when I’m out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!”

“Well, all right,” says God. “Now, let’s see what we have for you, Eve.” Godrummages about a bit more in the bag.

“Ah, right. Multiple orgasms.”

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. “Open thesafe,“ he yells at the girl behind the counter.

“But we’re not a real bank,” she replies. “We don’t have any money; this isa sperm bank.”

“Don’t you argue with me! Open the damn safe or I’ll blow your friggin’ headoff!”

She obliges and once she’s opened the safe door the guy says “Take out oneof the bottles and drink it.”

“But it’s full of sperm!” she replies nervously.

“Don’t argue, just drink it” he says.

She takes the cap off and gulps it down.

“Take out another one and drink it too” he demands.

She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off themask and, to the girl’s amazement, it’s her husband.

“Not that fucking difficult, is it?”

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perchin front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, areyou ever ugly!”
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey, lady!Man, are you ever ugly!”
She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are youever ugly.”
The lady was so incensed that she went into the store andthreatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store managerapologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t sayit again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called toher, “Hey, lady!”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen,and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week thanthe previous week.

The teller said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned aroundand shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”