One day a man is walking along the beach and sees a quadriplegic girl on theboardwalk, sitting in her wheelchair and crying. He decides to be a goodSamaritan and asks her what’s wrong. She replies sadly, “I’ve never beenhugged.” So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continueson his way.

The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk andcrying, so he asks her what’s wrong and she replies, “I’ve never beenkissed.” So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way.

The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she’s crying and heasks her what&#146s wrong. She replies, “I’ve never been fucked.” So, the manwheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says, “Now,you’re fucked!”

Chris goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and his friend’s wifeanswers.

“Hi, is Tony home?”

“No, he went to the store.”

“Well, do you mind if I wait?”

“Not at all, come on in.”

They sit down and the friend says, “You know Nora, you have the greatestbreasts I have ever seen. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if I can just seeone.”

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures ‘what the hell—a hundredbucks.’ She opens her robe and displays her left breast. He promptly thanksher and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful, I’vejust got to see both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I canjust see both of them together.”

Nora thinks about this and thinks, ‘What the hell,’ opens her robe, andgivesChris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks onthe table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weirdfriend Chris came over.” Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Welldid he drop off the 200bucks he owes me?”

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night Ihad an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were inconfession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympicgold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came tohim and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on thisRussian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’refinished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each otherseveral times looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lungedforward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzelhold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried hisface in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t even watch theending.

Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raisedhis eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air. TheRussian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top ofhim, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone,he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done itbefore!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in thathold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of ballsright in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce ofstrength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as Icould.”

“So,” the trainer exclaimed, “that finished him off, did it?”

“No, but you’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a doublemartini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside hisshirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket andordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all nightlong. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before youorder a refill.”

The customer replied, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts tolook good, then I know it’s time to go home.”

A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90year old woman. They hit it off right away.

After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’repast our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just holdmy penis in your hand.”

The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do anyharm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always befound on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in herhand.

One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out insearch of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the oldman…with another woman.

The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding theman’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “Ithought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, andshe’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’thave???”

The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.”

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph withthe husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at himand says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but,I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it,because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, andhe’s a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clencheshis hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, andnow is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps drivingfaster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all thecredit cards too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward abridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,“I’ve got the airbag.”

A lady was vacuuming the bedroom when she hit something under the bed. Whenshe puled the object out, she discovered it was a shiny silver boxcontaining nine golf balls and $25,000 in cash. When her husband came homeshe asked, “Honey, what’s with the box? There are nine golf balls and$25,000 in here.” “Well,” said her husband, “every time we’ve had bad sex,I put a golf ball in there.”

“That’s not bad,” his wife replied, “We’ve been married for 25 years andthere are only nine balls, but what’s with the money?”

“Well, every time I got a dozen balls, I sold them.”

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee several minutes later. The first man mentioned, “We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”

The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar.”

The other three men grew silent as he continued. “I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boy friends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”

How can you tell if a pig’s horny?

She buys the first round.