While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
—Nicole Lizarazo, Montvale, NJ
One day Adam and Eve noticed God standing before them holding a bag.
“Hi, God. What’s in the bag?” asked Eve.
“These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation.” Godrummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standingup?”
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. “Me! Me!Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work Icould get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would helpso much when I’m out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!”
“Well, all right,” says God. “Now, let’s see what we have for you, Eve.” Godrummages about a bit more in the bag.
“Ah, right. Multiple orgasms.”
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. “Open thesafe,“ he yells at the girl behind the counter.
“But we’re not a real bank,” she replies. “We don’t have any money; this isa sperm bank.”
“Don’t you argue with me! Open the damn safe or I’ll blow your friggin’ headoff!”
She obliges and once she’s opened the safe door the guy says “Take out oneof the bottles and drink it.”
“But it’s full of sperm!” she replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it” he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
“Take out another one and drink it too” he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off themask and, to the girl’s amazement, it’s her husband.
“Not that fucking difficult, is it?”
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perchin front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, areyou ever ugly!”
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey, lady!Man, are you ever ugly!”
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey, lady! Man, are youever ugly.”
The lady was so incensed that she went into the store andthreatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store managerapologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t sayit again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called toher, “Hey, lady!”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen,and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week thanthe previous week.
The teller said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned aroundand shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Hernine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet andshuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in thecloset, with the little boy.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it.”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$25.00”
The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closettogether.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.”
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$75.00”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s gooutside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, Isold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$100.00”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, thatis way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and makingyou confess.”
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessionbooth, then closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”
One day a man is walking along the beach and sees a quadriplegic girl on theboardwalk, sitting in her wheelchair and crying. He decides to be a goodSamaritan and asks her what’s wrong. She replies sadly, “I’ve never beenhugged.” So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continueson his way.
The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk andcrying, so he asks her what’s wrong and she replies, “I’ve never beenkissed.” So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way.
The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she’s crying and heasks her what’s wrong. She replies, “I’ve never been fucked.” So, the manwheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says, “Now,you’re fucked!”
Chris goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and his friend’s wifeanswers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, do you mind if I wait?”
“Not at all, come on in.”
They sit down and the friend says, “You know Nora, you have the greatestbreasts I have ever seen. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if I can just seeone.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures ‘what the hell—a hundredbucks.’ She opens her robe and displays her left breast. He promptly thanksher and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful, I’vejust got to see both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I canjust see both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks, ‘What the hell,’ opens her robe, andgivesChris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks onthe table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weirdfriend Chris came over.” Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Welldid he drop off the 200bucks he owes me?”
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night Ihad an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”
The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were inconfession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”
Coyote Ugly
A guy starts a new job, and his boss says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner and give you a $1 million salary.”
The guy’s puzzled, until he sees a picture of the girl—she’s hideous. But he accepts, figuring the money’s worth it, and they get married.
A year later the guy’s up on a ladder hanging a picture and yells to his wife, “Bring me my hammer.”
She mumbles, “Get the hammer, get the hammer,” and grudgingly fetches the hammer.
The guy says, “Hand me the nails.”
She mumbles, “Get me some nails, get me some nails,” and does so.
The guy starts hammering, hits his thumb, and yells, “Ow! Fuck me!”
She shuffles off, mumbling, “Get the bag, get the bag…”
—Santiago Gomez, Seguin, TX