What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.

4. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin’ people person?

6. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

20. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

23. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husbandmissing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, shecould hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not findingher husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched inthe corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Rememberwhen your father caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you,or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”

Why are so many blondes rushing out to get breast implants?

So they don’t have to pay the flat tax.

An old lady’s husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live anymore. She called the doctor and asked excactly where her heart was. He told her it should be under her left breast.

That night she went to the emergency room with a shot in the knee.

Person 1: Knock, Knock

Person 2: Who’s there?

Person 1: Cows go.

Person 2: Cows go who?

Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!

An Iraqi soldier buys a camel, ties it up outside his local bar, and walks inside.

“Nice camel,” says one of his buddies. “Is it male or female?”

“Female,” he replies.

“How can you tell?” asks his friend.

“Well, on the way over here,” the man explains, “I heard this guy yell, ‘Hey, look at the big pussy on that camel!’”

Owen Smith
Morristown, NJ

A doctor tells his patient, “I have bad news and worse news. First, you have cancer.”

The patient says, “That’s terrible! What could be worse than that?”

The doctor replies, “You have Alzheimers.”

The patient says, “That’s horrible! Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

Jimmy
California

There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff.

But their rope could only bear the weight of of five people.

The brunette said, “Save yourselves. I’ll let go.”

Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped…

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, “My dad’s a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack goes next: “My dad’s a doctor. He makes sick people better.”

All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.

The teacher asks him, “What does your dad do?”

Walter replies, “My dad’s dead.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet.”

Donald McMahon
Olympia, WA