There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.

He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.

The cat starts to stumble on home. As the cat comes to the train tracks, he doesn’t notice a train coming down the tracks.

As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned it’s head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.

The moral of the story — don’t lose your head over a piece of tail!

Guns don’t kill people.

Texans kill people.

Yo mama’s so fat that she went into 7-11 and didn’t come out until 11:07.

A masked man walks into a bank with a gun, and says, “ Put your hands up!”
The girl replies “This is not a real bank. this is a sperm bank.” He says “I know. Open that door up and take out one of those bottles and drink one.” She does and the man takes off his mask, and the girl realizes it’s her husband. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”he says.

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and “dress decent”.

”No, I want to show off my rosebuds!” she said and bounded out the door. The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.

”Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I’m so embarrassed!”

”No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.”

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?

Because deep down, they’re really not that bad!

You so fat that you put your belt on with a boomerang.

How do you get a hippopotamus in a mini-van?

Kick one of the elephants out.

What did one fat chick say to the other?

Who cares, they’re both fat.

What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?

Her feet!