Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.

So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, “How many bibles did you sell?”

The boy stood up and said, “35.”

“Is that all you sold?” the preacher asked.

“He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, “75.” “That is good,” the preacher replied.

He didn’t want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ”I-I-I s-s-sold 175.” The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ”I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them”’

After pulling over a speeding driver, a police officer continues with the usual procedure, asking the driver for his license.

“I don’t have one,” the driver answers, “I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
“May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?” the officer then asks.
“It’s not my car,” the driver responds, “I stole it.”
The confused officer then asks, “The car is stolen?”
“That’s right,” says the driver. “But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”

“You’re telling me there’s a gun in the glove box?” the officer says.

“Yes sir,” the driver continues. “That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”

“There’s a body in the trunk?!?” the amazed officer asks.
Still straight faced, the driver answers, “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Numerous other cops show up for back up and the captain slowly approaches the driver to handle this tense situation.

The Captain then approaches, “Sir, can I see your license?”

“Here you go officer,” the driver says calmly as he hands him a legit ID.

“Who’s car is this?” the Captain asks.
“It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card,” the driver answers while handing him a valid registration in his name.

“Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?” the Captain continues.
“Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it,” the driver responds. Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove box.

The Captain then asks, “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a body in it.”
“No problem,” the driver says before opening the trunk, which is also empty.

“I don’t understand it,” the Captain says. “The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” the driver says. “And I’ll bet you the lying sonovabitch told you I was speeding, too!”

Sean Pried

You remind me of a famous movie star.
“Really? Which one?”
“Lassie.”

What do you call 2 fleas on top of a bald head?
Homeless.

As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’”

“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!’”

“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane. The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet you go in the air.” The blonde agreed.

He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before. The blonde said, ”At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I turned the big fan off.”

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

A: After 10 years, the job still sucks….

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.

The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”

The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, “Wow, look at our cars - there’s nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other.”

The man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely.”

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, “And here’s another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”