Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.

So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, “How many bibles did you sell?”

The boy stood up and said, “35.”

“Is that all you sold?” the preacher asked.

“He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, “75.” “That is good,” the preacher replied.

He didn’t want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ”I-I-I s-s-sold 175.” The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ”I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them”’

After pulling over a speeding driver, a police officer continues with the usual procedure, asking the driver for his license.

“I don’t have one,” the driver answers, “I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
“May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?” the officer then asks.
“It’s not my car,” the driver responds, “I stole it.”
The confused officer then asks, “The car is stolen?”
“That’s right,” says the driver. “But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”

“You’re telling me there’s a gun in the glove box?” the officer says.

“Yes sir,” the driver continues. “That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”

“There’s a body in the trunk?!?” the amazed officer asks.
Still straight faced, the driver answers, “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. Numerous other cops show up for back up and the captain slowly approaches the driver to handle this tense situation.

The Captain then approaches, “Sir, can I see your license?”

“Here you go officer,” the driver says calmly as he hands him a legit ID.

“Who’s car is this?” the Captain asks.
“It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card,” the driver answers while handing him a valid registration in his name.

“Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?” the Captain continues.
“Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it,” the driver responds. Sure enough, there is nothing in the glove box.

The Captain then asks, “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there’s a body in it.”
“No problem,” the driver says before opening the trunk, which is also empty.

“I don’t understand it,” the Captain says. “The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”

“Yeah,” the driver says. “And I’ll bet you the lying sonovabitch told you I was speeding, too!”

Sean Pried

You remind me of a famous movie star.
“Really? Which one?”
“Lassie.”

As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’”

“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!’”

“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

A: After 10 years, the job still sucks….

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor.

The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”

The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, “Wow, look at our cars – there’s nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other.”

The man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely.”

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, “And here’s another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

Two first-year engineering students—both blondes—are asked to measure the height of the college flagpole. They go outside to inspect the challenge, but are unable to come up with a way to do it.

A couple of minutes later, a senior student walks up and asks what they are looking at. They explain their task and ask for help.

“Easy” says the senior. He takes the flagpole down, pulls out a tape measure and tells them, “It’s 30 feet long.”

One of the blondes crosses her arms in disgust. “We need the height, dumbass, not the length!”

Mark
Vinton, VA

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.