Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.

The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”

-Rod Jennings, Carthage, TN

Two first-year engineering students—both blondes—are asked to measure the height of the college flagpole. They go outside to inspect the challenge, but are unable to come up with a way to do it.

A couple of minutes later, a senior student walks up and asks what they are looking at. They explain their task and ask for help.

“Easy” says the senior. He takes the flagpole down, pulls out a tape measure and tells them, “It’s 30 feet long.”

One of the blondes crosses her arms in disgust. “We need the height, dumbass, not the length!”

Mark
Vinton, VA

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A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks ‘If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?’ and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend’s clothes. All that is free of the car is the man’s girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, ‘You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.’ His girlfriend says, ‘Are you kidding me? I’m naked.’ ‘Well,’ replies the man ‘Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.’ So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant ‘You have to help me. My boyfriend’s trapped’ ‘I’m sorry ma’am’ the attendant replies, ‘he’s too far in.’

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. ”I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, ”we don’t have any.”

”But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

”Do you have the container it comes in?”

”Yes!” says the blonde, ”I will go and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, ”This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: ”To apply, push up bottom.”

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
“Did y’know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.”

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn’t worked. The second decided to try.

“Did y’know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?”

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.”

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn’t worked. The third man knew he had the solution.

“Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”

“Oh, no. But that’s what y’r friends hae been trying to tell me.”

A guy phones a law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week.” The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” Once again the receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week.”

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” “Excuse me sir,” the receptionist says, “but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?” The guy replies, “Because I love hearing it!”

Harry says, “I can’t wait to get home and rip my wife’s panties off.”

Charlie says, “You’re that horny?”

Harry says, “No, they’re that tight on me.”

Mateo
Escondido, CA

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.

Susie said your heart, ’cause you need it to love.

Richie said your head, ’cause you need it to think.

Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, “Your feet.”

Confused, the pastor asked why.

Danny replied, “I was walking past my mom’s room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a snowwoman?

Because it takes so long to hollow out the man’s head.