One Step Over the Line
A doctor is caught having sex with one of his patients, and within minutes the whole hospital is talking about it. Later that day he’s cornered by an administrator, who says, “Rumor has it you had sex with a patient. I demand an explanation.”
“Look,” says the doc. “I’m single. I’m not the first doctor to screw one of his patients, and I won’t be the last. So what’s the big deal?”
“But, Sam, you’re a veterinarian!”
—Damion Masterson, Las Cruces, NM
Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they’re by a zebra crossing. One says, “Don’t cross here!”
The other one says, “Why not?”
The first one says, “Look what happened to this zebra!”
A man rushes into a bar, and after catching his breath he says, “Quick, pour me twelve drinks!”
Without thinking the bartender pours twelve shots. The man starts firing them back as fast as he can when he is stopped by the bartender.
“Aren’t you drinking those kind of fast, buddy?”
The man replies, “You would be drinking this fast if you had what Ihave.”
The bartender steps away and asked, “What do you have?”
The man replies, “75 cents.”
Chris
San Antonio, TX
Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?”
The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?”
Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.”
And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!”
With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”
J. Wruble
Los Angeles, CA
One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife’s birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He’ll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ”Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.”
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ”All that money and they didn’t even iron it?!”
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Scene: Suburban home, living room. Post-quarrel.
Wife: You know, I was a fool when I married.
Husband: Yes, dear. But I was in love and didn’t notice.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional.
The doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?”
“No,” said the rabbi. ”It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”
“Wait,” said the engineer, “The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?”
“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer…