One Step Over the Line
A doctor is caught having sex with one of his patients, and within minutes the whole hospital is talking about it. Later that day he’s cornered by an administrator, who says, “Rumor has it you had sex with a patient. I demand an explanation.”
“Look,” says the doc. “I’m single. I’m not the first doctor to screw one of his patients, and I won’t be the last. So what’s the big deal?”
“But, Sam, you’re a veterinarian!”
—Damion Masterson, Las Cruces, NM
Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they’re by a zebra crossing. One says, “Don’t cross here!”
The other one says, “Why not?”
The first one says, “Look what happened to this zebra!”
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Scene: Suburban home, living room. Post-quarrel.
Wife: You know, I was a fool when I married.
Husband: Yes, dear. But I was in love and didn’t notice.
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional.
The doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?”
“No,” said the rabbi. ”It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”
“Wait,” said the engineer, “The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?”
“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer…
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”
Yo mama’s so fat the only time she sees 90210 — is on a scale!
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute…”
The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up the phone.