Why’d the lawyer go to Heaven?
Hell was full.

1. Sag! You’re it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Hide and go pee!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come anyway.

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…
What the hell is that schtuff for
People get mushy and start acting queer
It’s definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass.
I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week.

Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade?
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.

So there’s my story… what can I say?
Love bites ass… SCREW VALENTINE’S DAY!

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred….
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.

Q: A man rides in on Friday, stays two nights three days and then leaves on Friday.

How is that possible?

A: His horse was named Friday.

What kind of pillar can’t hold up a building?
A caterpillar!

What is the hardest thing about roller-blading?

Telling your dad you’re gay.

Ben
Omaha, NE

Remote Island Paradise

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.

“I was shipwrecked last year,” she says. “I’ve been stranded on the other side of the island.”

“Where did you get the rowboat?”

“I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,” she replies.

“But you had no tools!” he says.

“I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue.”

The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. Theysit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,” she says, looking deep into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been desiring while you’ve been alone? You know… ”

“Do you mean,” he whispers, “I can check my E-mail from here!?!”

Your fart’s so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!