What is the hardest thing about roller-blading?

Telling your dad you’re gay.

Ben
Omaha, NE

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.”

Remote Island Paradise

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.

“I was shipwrecked last year,” she says. “I’ve been stranded on the other side of the island.”

“Where did you get the rowboat?”

“I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,” she replies.

“But you had no tools!” he says.

“I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue.”

The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. Theysit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,” she says, looking deep into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been desiring while you’ve been alone? You know… ”

“Do you mean,” he whispers, “I can check my E-mail from here!?!”

Your fart’s so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you’re just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You’ve been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We’ll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.

The doctor examines him and says, "You’ve been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”

The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

Your family is so poor, when they went to the park the pigeons threw bread at them.

You know you’re a redneck if you think a seven-course meal is KFC and a sixpack.

Time to Kill

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn’t been feeling well and wants to find out if he’s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the doctor says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“Nine. . .”