Two drunks are laying on the floor, and one of them is sticking a finger in and out of the other drunk’s ass.
When a cop walks by and looks at the drunks, he says, “What the hell are you two doing?”
The first drunk replies, “Oh, I’m just helping my friend vomit.”
So the cop says, “Do you think I’m stupid? Sticking your finger in his ass is no way to make your friend vomit.”
“Just wait until I stick it in his mouth,” replies the drunk.
Sotelo
Hollywood, CA
Q. How is sex like bridge?
A.If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand!
Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?
A: An air mattress.
What do you call 100,000 lawyers drowning in the Pacific ocean?
A good start.
Two Cajun fishermen, Brock and Charley, take off fishing in the Gulf of Mexico for a couple of months.
Upon their return, they notice a Taco Bell has been built near the dock.
Brock turns to Charley and says, “Well, look at that! Them Mexicans already done come over here and built a telephone company.”
Once there were two best friends, named Fred and DooDah. They were old fishing buddies, and one day headed out to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the lake, DooDah hooked a huge fish, which proceeded to pull him overboard, where he drowned a horrible watery death. Fred was brokenhearted, since DooDah was his best friend. But sad as he was, he realized that he would have to tell DooDah’s wife the terrible news. He thought long and hard, but just couldn’t think of the right words. Finally, he took a deep breath and knocked on her door. DooDah’s wife opened the door and heard Fred start singing:
“Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!”
A Prayer for the Dying
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My penis died.”
Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”
Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.
“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your penis had died!”
“It did. Today’s the viewing.”
Terrence Blakely
Dallas, TX
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right “tools” she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
This time, quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ”Are you really going to let him get away with this?”
”No, I guess not,” says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ” Why did you let him do that?”
To this God says, ”Who’s he going to tell?”
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re dead.