A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. “ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…”

“So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–”
”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”
”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.
”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

What’s the difference between Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton?

One wants to screw the world and one already has!

What’s the difference between you and a prostitute? The prostitute gets paid.

What do sex and a savings account have in common?

Once you withdraw you lose interest.

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.

“Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day,” the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn’t see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ”Christ, how many trees did you cut down?” asked the foreman.

”6” she replied.

”What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.” The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

‘How many this time?” asked the foreman.

”12” she said.

The foreman says, ”That does it. I’m coming out there with you tommorow morning.”
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ”This is how to cut down trees really quickly.” He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what’s wrong. She replies, ”What the hell is that?”’

Why are men just like carpet?

Once you lay ‘em right you can walk all over ‘em.

What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?

Well hung.

You can tell when you’re a Redneck when you walk with your son to school because you’re in the same grade.

Q: Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toybox?

A: Because she sat on Pinnochio’s face and told him to lie!