A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:

“The boy may try to kiss you — it will feel good, but don’t do it. He may try to go up your skirt — but don’t let him. He may try to try to take your clothes off — but don’t do it. He may try to get on top of you — but don’t do it. If you do any of these things, you’ll disgrace your family.”

The girl said she understood and went on her date.

The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said, “Well, did you disgrace the family.” “No,” said the girl, “Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it’s his family that’s disgraced!”

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! NOW you tell me.” said the beginner.

Your chest is so flat, the walls are getting jealous.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, ”Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up - you look so excited.”

The groom replies, ”I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, ”Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”

The bride replies ”I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.”

Why do they call it a toothbrush instead of a teethbrush?

Because it was invented in West Virginia.

What’s the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

Q: Why did O.J. want to move to West Virginia?

A: Everyone there has the same DNA.

Doctor, doctor! I need glasses!

“You certainly do, ma’am. This is a barber shop.”

What is the differnce between a golf ball and a G-spot?
A guy will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.