Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it! We’re closed.

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

“Gerhard Reinke’s
INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO IMPORTANT QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK*

IRELAND
?Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it??

FRANCE
?Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren?t the French just Germans who can make sauces??

ITALY
?Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ?

POLAND
?Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs??

GERMANY
?Is this bratwurst kosher??

TURKEY
?Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to slaughter Kurds though, right??

KOREA
?Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him??

CHINA
?This wall isn?t so great.?

ENGLAND
?Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick??

SWEDEN
?Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke??

YEMEN
?Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean ?Land Of Fanatics And Desert???

INDIA
?You don?t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here??

ETHIOPIA
?After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey ? those flies sure love your newborn!?

CANADA
?You?re like Americans without money.?

SPAIN
’so, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos??

SOUTH AFRICA
?I liked it better the other way.?

MEXICO
?Cancun is nice, but the rest of this third world country sucks!?

SAUDI ARABIA
?Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what??

RUSSIA
?Is it always this cold and economically devastated??

UZBEKISTAN
?Can you spell Uzbekistan??

GREECE
?I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy. Anyone ever tell you that you resemble a Turk??

AFGHANISTAN
’seriously, where is the real country? where is everything??

JAPAN
?What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi??

AUSTRALIA
?How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure??

AMERICA
?You mean, you?re all not loud, stupid, and fat??

*These questions should not be shouted in English.

Check out Gerhard Reinke’s WANDERLUST, Saturdays @ 11:30 PM 9 C on Comedy Central. ”

A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying, “21, 21, 21.” A blonde comes along and starts doing the same thing. They hear a train and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps jumping. The blonde gets hit and dies. After the train leaves, the brunette jumps back on saying this time, “22, 22, 22….”

Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. “CLICK”
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you don’t know where camp is.
NOON Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday
Following church services, watch ball game on T.V., slowly tear hunting license into pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising God never to hunt again.

A 6′4” ninth grader was acting up in class.

His teacher looked at him and said, ”Act your age, not your shoe size”.

The boy looks down at his size 14 shoes, then says, ”But they’re the same.”

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

Yo’ mama so old, she was a waitress at the last supper!

Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder’s wife?

Neither has he.