Yo mama’s so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.

A man is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”

The man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers—who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds—and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence. He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the balls to make a point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file…when did that happen?”

The man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”

Ed
Chicago, IL

Hey, did ya hear about the John Bobbitt doorbell?
It has a ding but no dong!

One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between ‘technically’ and ‘reality.’

“Son, I won’t tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you. But to help you out, I’ll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if she will sleep with a bum for $500,000 and ask your sister is she’ll sleep with the garbageman for the same amount.” So, the little boy goes up to his mom.

“Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for $500,000?”

“You bet your ass I would!” exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to his sister’s bedroom.

“Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbageman for $500,000?”

“I sure would!” exclaims his sister.

“Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?”

“Well, son,” the father says. “Technically, we’re millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty whores!”

Q: Why was the blonde late for work?

A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.

A man walks into a bar and notices a miniature man sitting on a table playing a miniature piano. He’s fascinated and asks the bartender, “How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?” The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish.” “And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?” “Well, not exactly.”

Parental Discretion
Johnny gets up in the middle of the night to get a drink. His little brother Billy hears him and gets up, too. On the way to the kitchen, they hear noise coming from their parents’ bedroom and decide to peek through the keyhole.

Johnny goes first. “Oh, my,” he says, backing away.

Billy takes a look. After a few seconds, he says angrily, “I can’t believe it.”

“What? What can’t you believe?” asks his brother.

“I can’t believe Mom has the nerve to yell at me for sucking my thumb!”

Rick Laipply
Louisville, KY

She is so blonde that she studied for a blood test — and failed.

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.

"Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can.  Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes.  You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door.  Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom.  He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn’t have to go that far, mom. 

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it:  FOR THE SICK.”