I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says, “Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.”
“Dammit!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” the lawyer says, “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Roxanne Roxanne who? Roxanne corals sure do make this aquarium pretty.
If you could cook, said the husband, “we could fire the chef.”
“If you could screw,” replied the wife, “we could fire the driver.”
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
“I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?”
Blonde: “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”
Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working?”
Blonde: “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”
Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is?”
Blonde: “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”
What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans?
A Whine Cellar!
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her, ”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,” replied the lady.
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
“Driver? Can I drive for a while?”
“Sure,” says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington — dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
“We got somebody really important here,” he says to his partner.
“Who is it? Is it a senator?”
“No. More important.”
“The president?”
“No. More important.”
“An ambassador? Who?”
“I don’t know. But the Pope is his driver.”
There is this extremely horny guy who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ”I’ll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.”
He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ”Church of Latter-Day Saints Whorehouse — 10 miles.” He thinks to himself, ”I’ll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.” There is a sign for it every mile, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the whorehouse and a nun comes to the door. The man says, ”Where can I get a whore?”
The nun says, ”I’ll need $500 first.” The man says okay and pays, then asks about his whore again. The nun replies, ”We will need another $100.” The man pays then asks for his whore again. The nun says ”Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you’ll see a door.”
He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, ”Congrats. You have just been screwed by the Church of Latter-Day Saints.”
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"