I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says, “Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.”
“Dammit!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” the lawyer says, “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Roxanne Roxanne who? Roxanne corals sure do make this aquarium pretty.
If you could cook, said the husband, “we could fire the chef.”
“If you could screw,” replied the wife, “we could fire the driver.”
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
“I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?”
Blonde: “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”
Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working?”
Blonde: “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”
Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is?”
Blonde: “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”
What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans?
A Whine Cellar!
Sex is like a card game - if you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand!
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her, ”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,” replied the lady.
Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
So she could have shade when she swam across!
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
“Driver? Can I drive for a while?”
“Sure,” says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington — dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
“We got somebody really important here,” he says to his partner.
“Who is it? Is it a senator?”
“No. More important.”
“The president?”
“No. More important.”
“An ambassador? Who?”
“I don’t know. But the Pope is his driver.”