1. Throughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ”powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ”I’ll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.”

He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ”Church of Latter-Day Saints Whorehouse — 10 miles.” He thinks to himself, ”I’ll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.” There is a sign for it every mile, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the whorehouse and a nun comes to the door. The man says, ”Where can I get a whore?”
The nun says, ”I’ll need $500 first.” The man says okay and pays, then asks about his whore again. The nun replies, ”We will need another $100.” The man pays then asks for his whore again. The nun says ”Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you’ll see a door.”

He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, ”Congrats. You have just been screwed by the Church of Latter-Day Saints.”

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?

Sue!!

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

Art
Chicago

Yo mama’s so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Q: Why is a fire truck red?

A: If someone pulled your hose you would turn red too.

Yo’ mama so old, she dreams in re-runs!