Miss Manners
Q: Why don’t Southern girls like orgies?
A: Too many thank you cards to write.

L. Edwards
Greensboro, NC

Clip Job

This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.

Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

"Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"

"To your house."

What do cows read in the morning?

The daily moos!

Unnatural Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice.”

“I can help you,” says the doc. “Take these pills and come back next week.”

The next week, the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek.”

The doctor says, “Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing.”

What’s the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?

Osama bin Latte

“Little Help?”

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, “Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?”

Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.

Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” says Jerry. “But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?”

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, “I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it.”

A Giants fan is in Baltimore for the weekend and decides to stop in at a bar. He pulls up to the bar and waits for the bartender. The bartender and the other patrons ignore the fan. Finally, he speaks up.

“Could I get a beer please?”

“We don’t serve Giants fans. This is a Ravens bar.”

“Look I just want one drink and then I’ll leave.”

The bartender pours him a drink and gives him the third degree.

“What are you doing in Baltimore?”

“I’m here for a taxidermist conference.”

“What does a taxidermist do?” the bartender asked.

“Oh, I mount animals.”

The bartender steps back, and then says, “Hey boys, don’t worry about this one, he’s one of us.”

1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 2 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn’t taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

Sex is like a card game – if you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand!