Last Writes

Old Fred’s hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn’t look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred’s funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he’s wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. “Fred handed me a note just before he died,” he says. “I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration in it for us all.”

Opening the note, he reads aloud, “Help! You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

A lady walks into the local record store.

“Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?” she asks.

“No, but I’ve got dangling balls and a 7-inch,” says the smartass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second.

“Is that a record?”

“I think so. I’m only 14.”

How does a blonde kill a bird?

She throws it off a cliff.

A mink in the closet
A Jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!

Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?

Because they leave to answer the door.

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “frog with four feet, jumps four feet.”

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, “frog with three feet, jumps three feet.”

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook “frog with two feet, jumps two feet.”

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “frog with one foot, jumps one foot.”

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

“He said, “Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!”

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with no feet, goes deaf.”

You are so small that when it rains, you are the last to know.

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?

A blonde was about to commit suicide by jumping off a 31 story building. There were tons of fire trucks on the ground and policemen on the ledge beside her. The policemen tried to coax her down for 3 hours. A few minutes later the blonde looked over the edge, then looked over at the closest policemen and asked, ”How do you commit suicide again?”

You’re just like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.