Big Talk
Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”
The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
Hammerheads
Two blondes are working on a house. One of them, who’s nailing down siding, has been reaching into her pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing it in. The second blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re throwing half the nails over your shoulder?"
The first blonde explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
"You moron!" the second blonde yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the house."
A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday.
During the party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ?The man who dares to swim across that pool gets any of my riches he desires.?
The party continues with no one in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man swimming as hard as he can. The fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and yet this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him but somehow this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the mic and says, ?I am a man of his word. Anything of mine I will give. My Ferrari’s, my house, absolutely anything. For you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir, what will it be??
The guy grabs the mic and says, ?Why don’t we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!?
What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming…
A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.
The man in the car says to her, ”What do you have in the bag?”
The blonde replies: ”I have chickens!”
The man thinks for a moment and says, ”If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?”
The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ”Okay, but I’ll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!”
Two condoms walk past a gay bar.
One looks at the other and says, “Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?”
Joe L.
Florida
Why did Michael Jackson rush to Wal-Mart?
Because he heard kids pants were half-off!
A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, “That’s once.”
Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the hores dead.
His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, “That’s once.”