A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells “Eagle!” She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out “Salmon!” She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics.
“Crap!”

Three bears came out of hibernation and they were stinky so they decided to take a bath. When they get into the bathtub, the last bear says to the first bear, ”Can I have the soap?”

The first bear says to the second bear, ”Who does he think I am — a radio?”

Did you get it??

Well you aren’t suppose to!! When you tell this to a friend get some people to laugh when you say the joke, so the friend looks stupid when they don’t get it. Sometimes they will say they get it but they can’t cause there is no point. So have fun with it.

One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ”Well, why is that, sir?” The doctor answered, “The men’s brains cost more, for they have never been used.”

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ”Hi,” he croaks.”What’s your name?”

The loan officer says, ”My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?”

”Yeah,” says the frog. ”I’d like to borrow some money.”

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ”Okay,what’s your name?”

The frog replies, ”Kermit Jagger.”

”Really?” says the loan officer. ”Any relation to Mick Jagger?”

”Yeah, he’s my dad.”

”Hmmm,” says the loan officer. ”Do you have any collateral?”

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ”Will this do?”

The loan officer says, ”Um, I’m not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.”

”Oh, tell him I said hi,” adds the frog. ”He knows me.”

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ”Excuse me, sir, but there’s a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I’m not even sure what it is.”

The manager says: ”It’s a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Every day I give thanks to the Goddess:
I have two mounds upon my bodice,
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,
I can justify any shopping spree.

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon.
Can get a massage without a hard on,
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas,
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don’t drive in circles at any cost,
So I don’t have to admit when I am lost.

I don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon,
Every time I go to the john.

Listen to me boys,
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys,
You love them more then we ever will,
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.

I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you’re two hours late.
I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need instant replay to remember the… score.

I won’t lose my hair.
I don’t get jock itch.
And just cause I’m assertive,
Don’t call me a bitch.

I don’t wear the same underwear every day,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.

I don’t go to Sears
To look at the tools.
I don’t cheat at poker,
I follow the rules.

I don’t smoke cigars.
Don’t pay for drinks at bars.
I don’t punch my friends just to say "Hi."
And it’s okay for me to cry.

I know all you men
Think that you’re "IT,"
But compared to a woman,
You just ain’t SHIT!

What’s the definition of lawyer?

The larval form of a politician.

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, ”Quick, go get help!”

She says, ”I can’t, I’m naked.”

He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her ”lower parts” and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, ”Help me, my boyfriend is stuck.”

The truck driver replies,”Honey, if he’s that far gone, I don’t think we can get him out again!”

    According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.  If anything, it’s getting worse.

    Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.  Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

    Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.  Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”

How many blondes does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends on how thin you slice them.