A husband walks out of the ba

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there’s a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.

The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he’s doing. The boy answers, “I’m reading a book and I’m 20.”

Then the cop asks what the girl’s doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, “She’s knitting and she’ll be 18 in about five minutes.”

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um… I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

“That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

What do you do with a blue whale?

Cheer it up!

What does a fish smoke?

Sea weed

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”

“But what, son?” asks the father.

“She’s a virgin.”

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

Rupert Munson
Fort Worth, TX

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke

9. You say, “Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself?” But then it does

8. Your child gets busted shoplifting a newt

7. Can turn lead into gold, but he can’t remember to take out the trash .

6. He wears shiny red satin robes — and you’re just praying he’s a wizard

5. Favorite discount electronics chain: The Wiz

4. Refers to Halloween as “amateur night”

3. He’s only 12, but somehow he’s dating Gwyneth Paltrow

2. His homework ate the dog

1. You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?

A: A full set of teeth.