Why do women rub there eys when they getup in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom?

She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists ? two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

?We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.? The first man said.?You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,?

The agent replies, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.? The agent replies, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.?

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, ?You guys didn?t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.?

You might be a redneck if you take a six-pack cooler to church!

Your mama’s so hairy her knees have bangs.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it really has to want to change.

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, “How bad was it down there?” The Pope says, “Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There’s one thing up there I have been looking forward to.” Bill asks, “What is that?” The Pope replies, “I want to meet the Virgin Mary.” Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, “Too late.”

Yo’ mama is so fat, her nickname is Dammmmnnnn!

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

”Easy,” she replied. ”He only has one eye.”

The chief was stunned. ”He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!” He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

”He only has one ear,” was her answer.

”What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!” He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ”How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.”

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ”He’s wearing contact lenses.”

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn’t tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ”How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!”

”Well,” she said, ”he can’t wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?”