Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes, whack!…”damn!”

And a skydiver goes, “damn!”… whack!

Two nuns are on a break in the rectory.

“I was cleaning Father Tom’s room a few days ago,” gossips the first nun, “and I found a bunch of condoms.”

“Oh, my,” gasps the second nun. “What did you do?”

“I poked holes in them,” she replies.

“Fuck!” says the second nun.

Bryan Connell
via e-mail

    Yes, it’s hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And they’ve been 40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.

    In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she’s perfectly turned out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She’s Everywoman, she’s the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?

    Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:

Bifocals Barbie:

Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie:

Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie:

As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Cook’s Arms Barbie:

Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie:

Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie:

Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie:

All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Midlife Crisis Barbie:

Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so it’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Single Mother Barbie:

There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

Recovery Barbie:

Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

    Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless.

Question: Why does Tigger smell?

Answer: You’d smell too if you played with Pooh all day!

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going and she replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.”

He asked her why she was going.

She told him, “I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free.”

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, “And just where do you think you are going?”

“I”m going too!” he replied.

“Why?” she asked.

“I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!”

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin.”

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where in Dublin are you from?”

“The East Side.”

“The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.

“Where on the East Side are you from?”

“McDonagh Street.”

“Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?”

“Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”

How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?

You hang up a bingo sign!

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began tochoke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the otherand said “That little gal is havin‘ a bad time. I’m agonna go over thereand help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head inhis BIG Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”
Gasping she shook her head“No”.
He asked “Kin ya breathe?”
Still gasping she again shook her head “No”.
With that he yanked up herskirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman wasso shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck andbegan to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend andsaid “Ya‘ know it’s sure amazin‘ how that hind-lick maneuver always works!”

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Spit ’n’ Span
An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a rural tavern. She gestures several times to the bartender, but he ignores her. She disappears for several minutes, returns to the bar, and blows him a kiss. This time he rushes over.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face.

“Actually, no,” the bartender smiles.

“Can you get him for me?” she asks, running her hands through his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t. He’s not here,” the bartender sighs. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” he manages to ask.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies’ room.”

Kevin McKinstry
Belle Glade, FL