Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one question to get into heaven. The first nun is asked who the first man on earth was. She replies, ”Oh that’s easy, Adam!” Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

The second nun is asked ”Who was the first woman on earth?” she says, ”That’s easy, Eve!” Lights flash and the gates open.

The Third nun is asked, ”What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” The nun is puzzled and can’t figure it out, so she says, ”That’s a hard one.” Lights flash up and the pearly gates open.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Yo mama is so fat, she has a tattoo of the United States on her chest and in the corner it says ”actual size.”

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died, he wanted to have one last taste of lefse (potato crepe). Even as weak as he was, he was able to crawl out of bed and go down the stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes of agonizing pain he reached the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door he slowly reached for the lefse. He was just about to grab it when suddenly a hand came out from nowhere, slapped his hand, and a voice boomed out, “Ole, that’s for the Funeral!”

This guy buys an old bottle at a yardsale. Upon polishing the bottle, a magical genie suddenly appears.

The grateful genie exclaims, ”Thanks for letting me out of the bottle, I’ve been in there for a millenium. I’m pretty old and tired, but I think I’ve got one wish left.”

The owner of the bottle says, ”I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly and I get sea sick, so build me a road.”

”I’m too old and sick to grant that wish, got any other ideas?” replied the genie.

”OK,” replied the guy, ”I’ve always wanted to understand how a woman thinks, to understand her inner-most thoughts.”

The genie replies, ”Two lanes or four?”’

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ ya, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy,” says the priest, “I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot say,” says Tommy.

“Was it Patricia Kelly?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Five good leads!” says Tommy.

Rob Taylor
Rockville, MD

Yo Mamma’s so fat she plays hopscotch like this: Atlanta, New York, Chicago, Detroit, Los Angelos, Seattle, Las Vegas…

Yo mama is so bald I can see what she’s thinking.

Why are Iranians so smart?

Because none of them are blonde.