There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton of money off the stock market and decided to retire to a ranch in Montana. One day he was out in his front yard planting some flowers when he sees dirt flying up behind a truck. The truck pulls into his driveway and a famer gets out of his truck.
“Hi, my name is Bob. I’m your neighbor. I live about five miles away and I came to invite you to a party I am having tonight.”
“What kind of a party is it?” asks the stockbroker.
“Oh, we’re going to do a little dancing, a little fighting, a little eating, little drinking, and a little screwing.”
“That sounds great,’ said the stockbroker. “What should I wear?”
“I don’t care,” said Bob. “It’s just gonna be the two of us.”

My uncle ran for Senate last year.
“Really? What does he do now?”
“Nothing. He got elected.”

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a new virus : Viagra !

It turns your 3.5” floppy into a hard drive!!!

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:”Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”

The bus driver shakes his head and says,”No, I’m sorry.”

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ”Will it take ME?”

A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her breasts.

A guy asked her, “Hey, what’s with the shower caps?”

“Shower caps?” she responded, “These are booby condoms!”

Yo mama is so fat that her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big.

A baby seal walks into a club.

I’ll repeat myself. A baby seal walks into a club.

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

There’s M&M shells all over the floor.

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"