The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ”I’m off. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ”Good morning, madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….”

”Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

”Really ?” the photographer asked. ”Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

”That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

”Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

”Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

”Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

”I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

”Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

”Don’t I know!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ”This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

”Oh my god!!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

”And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
”She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
”Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

”Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

”Yes,” the photographer said.

”And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

”You mean they actually chewed on your, eh……equipment ?”

”That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

”Tripod??”, Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

”Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

What is the difference between a joystick and a man’s dick?

A joystick does its job.

Yo mama so ghetto, her wedding cake was made out of cornbread.

Your momma’s so thin she ate a peanut and thought she was pregnant.

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, “Dear, there’s something I have to ask you. It’s always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must know: Did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. “Yes,” she admits. “He does.”

Tears well up in the old man’s eyes. “Please,” he says, “would you tell me who it was?”

The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, “You.”

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; “Dat’’s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.

“Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick, “Put dem in a pepper bag”

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick’’s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

“Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud “Splat!”

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.

“Focket Dat,” Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin” is too dangerous for me…”

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar ”pepper bag”.

Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

“Watch this Paddy” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean’’s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, “An” oim never troyin” that parrotshooting oider…”

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his ”pepper bag”.

Dan pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

“For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin” hengliding…”

Stench of Death

A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.”

The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm.

“Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her.

“Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.”

“Wow!” replies the man.

She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place.

“What happened?” yells the man.

The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”

—Tony Gentile, Edmond, OK

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, “My word, for $250 they could’ve at least ironed it!”

1. Everybody assumes you’re an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the ”Anglo bastards”