A young Bulgarian peasant girl of 14 went to work in a broom factory. After two months, she told the boss she wanted to quit.

The boss was curious since she was doing a good job, so he called her into his office and asked her why she was leaving.

“Oh, it’s nothing, I just want to quit, that’s all,” she said sullenly.

“Look, I’ll give you a raise,” he offered.

“No, but thank you,” she said.

“There must be a reason,” he countered.

“OK, if you must know,” said the girl, as she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair. “Look! I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom bristles, I tell you!”

Tickled by her innocence, the boss took off his underwear and explained, “Look, it’s natural. I have it too.”

“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I must quit now before it’s too late. Not only do you have bristles but you’ve also grown a handle!”

Pete
Falls Church, VA

Yo Mama’s so fat that when she goes to the beach in her blue bathing suit, the whales come up and sing “We Are Family”.

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,” says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.”

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.”

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,” says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.”

“That makes sense,” says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?”

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.”

Kyle Gibbs

Nuts Over Ice

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?

A: Winnie the Pooh!

Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform?

For the Marine to hold on to!

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
“Jesus is gonna get you.” The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
“Jesus is gonna get you.” The robber started to get a little worried.
“What’s your name, birdie?”
“Moses.”
“What dumbass named you Moses?”
“The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus.”

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,”I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest.” And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, “I want a motercycle helmet.” And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, “I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female.” And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, “I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet.” And he got his wish.

The bear said, “I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females.” And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit’s turn, and he said, “I wish that bear was gay.”

There was this man who really had to go to the bathroom. He went to the nearest house, which happened to be the home of a monk and asked, ”Can I please use the bathroom?” The monk told him he could, so he went in. When he was in the bathroom he heard this clink, clink, clink. When he was finished he went to the monk and asked, ”What was that noise I heard in the bathroom?” The monk said, ”I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk. You have to go to Italy for two years.”

So the man went to Italy for two years and then came back and asked the monk again what the noise was. The monk said, ”I can’t tell you, you’re not a high monk. You have to go to Italy for three years.” So the man went, came back and then asked the monk again what the noise was. Again the monk said, ”I can’t tell you, you’re not a king monk. You have to go to Italy for four years.” So the man went, came back and once more asked the monk.

And the monk said, “The pipes bang sometimes. Aren’t I a passive aggressive sadist for not just telling you that in the first place? And aren’t you a sorry-assed sucker for jumping through my retarded hoops?”

Why are men just like carpet?

Once you lay ‘em right you can walk all over ‘em.