You might be a redneck if you’ve ever bought a used hat!

Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir I’m just a tax collector.”

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, ?Hey Tim, what’re you in for??

?I’m getting my tonsils out — I’m a little worried,? said Tim.

?Oh don’t worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!?

?Oh yeah?” replied Tim. ?That’s not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What’re you here for??

?I’m getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered.

?Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn’t walk for two years!?

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless.

”Where have you been?” asked the man.

”I can’t believe you left me down there! I couldn’t get the tailgate open!”

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that!” There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded,”Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.”

Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”

“Rubbish,” says the girl.

“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”

“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Three midgets are in a bar arguing. The first midget says, I have the smallest hands in the world!
The second midget says, I have the smallest feet in the world!
The third says, I have the smallest penis in the world!

Well, they keep arguing for a few more minutes and finally the bartender says, I know, why donÆt you three just go to the Guinness Book of World RecordÆs headquarters and settle it there. So, they do.

The first midget goes in and comes back out with a certificate and states, I do have the smallest hands in the world!
The second midget goes in and comes back out with a certificate and exclaims, I do have the smallest feet in the world!
The third midget goes in and comes back out with a glum look on his face. The first midget asks, DidnÆt you have the smallest penis in the world?

The third midget says, No, and who the fuck are the Backstreet Boys?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You’re Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

1. Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, “Doesn’t that sound a lot like a B-52?”
3. Ask him if he’s looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan’s favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
5. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
8. Order him ten Domino’s pizzas with extra ham topping.
9. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven’t seen “Sex and the City” for weeks.
11. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
12. Switch all the CD’s in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he’ll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
13. Mine his bathroom.
14. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about “spots”.
15. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
17. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
18. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you’ll get to, “kick his ass every day for eternity.”
20. Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21. Refer to him as “Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden.”
22. Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23. Tell him it’s lovely what he’s done with his cave, but that it’d look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
25. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26. Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you’ve ever attended.
28. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29. Mix up his Rubik’s Cube.
30. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
32. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, “tsk, tsk” if there’s dust.
33. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
34. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
36. Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the “Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd” Jihad.
37. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, “Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!”
38. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on “Friends.”
40. Warn him that you’re “in a New York state of mind.”
41. Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.
42. Ask him, “Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?” just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43. Give him a “noogie” or a “wedgie.” If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a “swirlie”.*
44. Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your “holy lands” and blow up his hotels.
46. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47. Offer to take him “clubbing” in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
48. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50. When you leave, wave and say, “Shalom!”

*Some translational notes for non-Americans: a “noogie” is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone’s head in an arm-lock; a “wedgie” involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a “swirlie” involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States?

This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media provided you send the author an acknowledgment at ameiss@earthlink.net.

Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and remember, be good to your neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic background. God Bless America!