Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I’m not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I’m not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I’m a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?”

The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?”

Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.”

And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!”

With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”

J. Wruble
Los Angeles, CA

Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?

A: Far-from-thinkin

Two nuns from France were coming to New York.

While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, “Over here in America, they have strange customs.”

“Really? Like what?” says the other.

“Over here, they eat dogs.”

Astounded, the other gasps, “DOGS! No way! Really?”

“Yeah, they sure do.”

“Well, I guess we’ll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in.”

After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.

“Two dogs, please!” the nuns said.

Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.

When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.

She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, “Er, um…which part did you get?”

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities throughout the world.
Physical properties:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted field and a variety of esthers.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts when given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in states varying from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical properties:

1. Has a genuine affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of attention.
3. VOLATILE: May explode without warning for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in water, but activity greatly increased with alcohol.

Most common uses:

1. Primarily ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Found to be a great aid to relaxation.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosey pink when discovered in its natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to a fresher specimen.

Hazards:

1. Hard to retain when left in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal (not to mention deadly) to possess more than one at a time.

Yo’ mama’s teeth so yellow, I can’t believe it’s not butter!

How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don’t know when it’s going to come, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll last.

Trade Negotiations

President Clinton arrives in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane, carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, the marine guard salutes him sharply. Clinton smiles and says, “I’d like to salute back, son, but as you can see, my hands are full.”

“Yes, sir!“ says the marine.“Mighty fine pigs, sir!”

Clinton replies, “These aren’t just ordinary pigs, son; they’re pure Arkansas razorbacks.”

“Yes, sir!“ says the marine. “Mighty fine razorbacks, sir!”

Clinton says, “I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea.“

“Yes, sir!” the marine says again. “Good trade, sir!”

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I’ve got acute angina

Ted: You’re breasts aren’t bad either.

Two blondes walk into a building.

You would figure one of them would have seen it.