It’s the year 2389, and martian and earth couples are living peacably side by side. One day, an earth couple and a martian couple are having lunch and the subject of sex comes up. Because the earth couple has so many questions, the couples decide to swap partners for a week. A little later, the martian man and the earthwoman are alone in a bedroom, getting undressed. When the martian is naked, the woman is surprised that his penis is only 1/2 inch long and a 1/2 inch wide.

“Hold on,” says the martian, who slaps his face, which makes his penis grow longer with each snap. “Oops, it’s not wide enough yet.” He pulls his ears, and with each tug, his penis grows wider. “All set!” he says, and the martian and the woman have incredible, mind-blowing sex. Later, the woman meets up with her husband, and asks him how it was.

“Well, it was fine. But I have a headache now because she kept pulling my ears and slapping my face.”

How are men and tile alike?

If you lay them right the first time, you’ll be able to walk all over them for the rest of their life!

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on. After they’ve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she’s seen any cops.

“Yes,” says the blonde.

“Are their lights on?”

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.”

One day Gary Condit’s wife died and went to heaven, and there she met Saint Peter. She started to look around and she noticed there were thousands of clocks everywhere. As she looked over at one it moved she saw that the hand moved just two ticks.

She asked Saint Peter, “Why are there so many clocks in heaven?”

Saint Peter answered, “Well, every time you tell a lie the clock moves one second.”

Mrs. Condit said, “I think I get it, but which one is Gary’s clock?”

Saint Peter answers, “God has it up in his office, he’s using it as a FAN!”

There is this guy who has no ears and also happens to be the president of a large company. He’s nearing retirement so he starts interviewing replacements, but he wants to find someone different. There are three applicants and he starts each interview with the same question, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?”

The first guy answers, “Well, you have no ears.”

The president continues the interview normally. The second guy answers, “Well, you don’t have any ears.”

So the president continues the interview. The third guy answers, “You wear contacts don’t you.”

The president is surprised by this and asks, “Yes, how did you know that?”

The man replies, “Well you can’t wear glasses you ain’t got no fucking ears!”

Q: What is a double-wide salad?

A: It’s for people who can’t afford a house salad.

Zen and How

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

”Nice bike,” the cop said, ”did Santa bring it to you?”

”Yep,” the little boy said, ”he sure did!”

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ”Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ”Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?” ”Yes, He sure did,” said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ”Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.”

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.