There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ”Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.” She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ”Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies”. The man standing next to her says, ”You go to Dr. Smith?” ”Yes,” she said, ”how did you know?” He replies ”Hickory dickory dock!”

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?” The guide turned to him and said, “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.”Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide, “The drums have stopped, what happens now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said,“bass solo”

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the pants.

Yo momma’s had more pricks than a second-hand dartboard!

Brews for Jesus

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the redneck yells, "Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!"

Yo momma’s so stupid, she stared at a orange juice carton for an hour because it said “concentrate.”

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polishsausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?Would ya?”

The clerk says, “Well, no.”

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then,why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”

Sam Gerace
Westfield, NY

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Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?