What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?

Bubblegum (what were you thinking?)

Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by the police for a laugh. So one of them offers to beef a copper, and promptly they are chased by two burly policemen, who are very pissed off. Soon they arrive at a two way junction. They decide to split up, so one runs to the right and escapes, and the other one ends up in an alleyway with a dead end. Fearing a shit kicking, he jumps into a bin, and pulls the lid over his head. 2 minutes later the police run in and one of them pulls out his truncheon.
“Right, ya poofy wee bastard! If I find you I’m gonny ram this truncheon right up yer arse!”
“I’m in here!!!”

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?

Because it came out of the pen.

Two nuns are driving down the highway, when, out of nowhere, a Vampire lands on the front hood of their car and is facing them through the windshield. The two nuns begin to panic when one nun yells to the other, “Do something! Show it your cross!”

The nun in the passenger seat agrees, leans out the window in rage and yells, “Get the fuck off the windshield!”

Steve Trento
Guelph, Ontario

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, “Ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle” was.

He said, “Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That’s a post turtle.”

What’s white and fourteen inches long?

Absolutely nothing!

A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

“Duke!” the dad yelled.

“This is great!” the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” So he let out another one.

“Duke!” the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

“Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!”

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.

Was Gary Condit’s sexual conduct the same as Bill Clinton’s?

Close, but no cigar.

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

“I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”

“What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

“What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”