A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes a genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East and asks the genie if he can bring peace to this part of the world.

The genie pales, and says, “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.”

“OK”, the guy says, “tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!”

The genie shakes his head and says, “Let me see that map again.”

Sean
Huntersville, NC

A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic.

The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it. “We’ve received the results from your tests,” says the doctor on the other end of the line. “Bad news—you have Ebola.”

“Oh, my God,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”

“Don’t worry. First, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread,” says the doctor.

“Will that cure me?”

“No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door.”
—Sage DelValle, San Jacinto, CA

    For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

    Here is a guide to the point system.

    Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10  after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night …0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It’s her father..-10

    Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

    Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

    A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

    A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15

    Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don’t give a damn because you have one too"…-800

    The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

    Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep..-20

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks ‘If I drive 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?’ and she agrees. So the man drives 100 mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his girlfriend’s clothes. All that is free of the car is the man’s girlfriend and one of his shoes. The man yells, ‘You have to go get help. Go to that gas station over there.’ His girlfriend says, ‘Are you kidding me? I’m naked.’ ‘Well,’ replies the man ‘Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get help.’ So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station. She says to an attendant ‘You have to help me. My boyfriend’s trapped’ ‘I’m sorry ma’am’ the attendant replies, ‘he’s too far in.’

Yo mama’s so fat, she can’t fit through the door of an Internet chat room!

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

Yo Mama is so ugly when she was kidnapped her mother sent the kidnappers a thank you card!

One day, a blonde went to go get lessons on how to fly a plane. The guy at the airport said there were no more plane flying lessons this year but she could take helicopter lessons. The blonde agreed and the man taught her and said, “I’ll radio you every 1000 feet you go in the air.” The blonde agreed.

He jumped in and took off. At 1000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, she radioed him and asked how she was doing. He said she was doing great. But right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped and she started twirling to the ground. When she landed, he went over to pull her out of the helicopter. He asked her what went wrong because she was doing perfect before. The blonde said, ”At 2500 feet, I started to get cold so I turned the big fan off.”

Can you guess what I am?

I am about six inches long. I have a bush at one end, and when rubbed hard I produce a white frothy substance. I move back and forth and in and out.

Answer: I’m a toothbrush

Yo mama is so fat that, when she was bungee jumping, she took the whole bridge with her.