A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”

You might be a redneck if you can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it!

Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn’t do?

Teacher: Of corse not!

Boy: Good cause I didn’t do my homework!

A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra…. now the police are looking for the hardend criminals.

A guy goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door and his friend’s wife answers. “Is John home?” he asks.

“No, I’m sorry,” she says. “He’s gone out to run a few errands.”

“Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?” the guy asks.

So John’s wife, who’s wearing a robe, invites him inside.

“I can’t help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe,” says John’s friend. “I will pay you $100 if I could just see them.”

The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is $100. She opens her robe exposing her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table.

Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he says, “Your breasts are so beautiful, can I suck on them. I will pay you another $100 if you will let me.”

She once again thinks for a moment and thinks, “What the hell,” opens her robe, and the man spends at least five minutes on each luscious breast.

He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100, throws it on the table and says, “I can’t wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by.”
About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says, “Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.”
John replies, “Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”

Food for Thought
Q: Why did the redneck plant Cheerios in his garden?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.
—Zaid Rodriquez, Aurora, IL

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

“How’d you get that, son?”

“By hiking.”

“Hiking?”

“Yeah, every night, Mom’s boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike.”

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.

“I want mine to be 7-Up, ’cause 7 days a week he’s up.”

“I want mine to be Mountain Dew ’cause when he’s in between my mountains, we’ll be doing it.”

“Mine’s gonna be Jack Daniel’s.”

“You can’t do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you’re talking about a hard liquor.”

“Exactly.”

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?

So they don’t crap on the street during parades!

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”

Dubya says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”