A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.  He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s  hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his  brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

”You bastard,” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”

You’re so short you’re the last one to know when it rains

1) You’re Different — And That’s Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad’s New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That’s It, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You’ve Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA.”

The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.

She immediately gets up, says, “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, “I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to LA.”

If your wife says ”Come move this trasmission so I can take a bath.”… you might be a redneck.

A guy asks a young blonde he’s just slept with, “Am I the first guy you ever made love to?”

The blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, “You might be. Your face looks familiar.”

-Nate Dobberpuhl, North Pole, AK

What are the two things a cat is good for?

Altitude and distance!

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”

His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.” Adam decided to to his friend’s advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.

“Did she like it?”

“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.