Yo mama is so fat, she’s the reason they declared world hunger.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Yo mama is so ugly that when she smiles, it hurts.

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very poor parish and he needed money. He bought a horse to enter in a local race, but the horse turned out to be a donkey. Still, Father Murphy took it as God’s will and entered the donkey in the race anyway. The donkey came in third and the newspaper said, “FATHER MURPHY’S ASS SHOWS!”

Encouraged, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race. The donkey came in first and the papers said, “FATHER MURPHY’S ASS UP FRONT!” He entered the animal in yet another race. This time it came in second and the papers read, “FATHER MURPHY’S ASS BACK IN PLACE!”.

The archbishop heard of the priest’s activities and decided the church didn’t approve of gambling. He ordered Father Murphy to pull the donkey out of all future races. The papers announced, “ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY’S ASS!”

The Father gaves the donkey to one of the nuns, Sister Agatha and the papers said, “NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN!”But eventually Sister Agatha got tired of tending the donkey, and sold it to a children’s home for only ten dollars. And the newspapers blared, “NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10!”

A man walks into a bar and he’s really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I’m an asshole.”

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I’ve been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t giving’ him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I’m KEEPING’ ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.

“Man, I wish I could do that,” says one of the guys.

“You can,” says the other. “Just let him sniff your hand first.”

Todd Belgore
Irving, TX

A blonde was cooking dinner in her kitchen and her kitchen caught on fire.

So she called 911 and said: “My kitchen is on fire!”

They asked, “How do we get there?”

The blonde said, “Well, DUH, the big red truck!!!”

A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn’t believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn’t think much of it.

A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn’t like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.

A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.”