A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband’s back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.

“$398.10,” she said.

“Who paid ten cents?” he asked.

“Everybody.”

Q: What do you call a blonde who eats too much?

A: Fat.

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ”I’m going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.”

The woman replied, ”Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?”

The man replied, ”No, I’m turning the heat off.”

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, “what is that?” He replied, “It’s my bird!”

She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.

She replied, “I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest.”

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.”

Paint stripping

Did you hear about the new paint color that’s coming out? It’s called blonde. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.

A fat man is dancing at a disco, and he is approached by a beautiful woman.

“What on earth do you think you are doing?”, says the woman.

The obese man replies, “Shaking my groove thang.”

The woman laughs and says,

“If that is a groove? The Grand Canyon is a ditch!”

What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon?

“Honey, no in-between meal snacks!”

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ”FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!”