A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, “Well, that settles that.”

Frank Knowles
Cranbrook, BC

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a booth.

Eventually, he and another man got into an argument about whose dog could whoop the other dog.

The man said, “Let’s have a fight out back.”

”Okay” said the other.

When they got their dogs, one man opened a case and brought out a 12 inch long yellow dog.

That dog proceeded to kill every other dog in town.

When one man asked, ”Where did you get that dog?” the man said, ”Well, before I cut its tail off and painted it yellow, it was an alligator.”

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

”You are fine, how am I?”

You know you’re a redneck if you’re part of the KKK, but you can’t spell it.

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

“What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?”

”Well, I guess you’d just have to use your other hand to write with.”

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ”I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.” With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ”Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!” She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ”YES, I WIN! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!” With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ”What the hell did she roll anyway?” The second dealer answered, ”I thought you were paying attention!”

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she’s smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she’s laughing.

He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she’s laughing so hard, she’s about to fall down. He demands, “What’s so funny?”

She says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?
McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going…
Bandai Condoms: Action Satisfaction.

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect opportunity for marketing departments the world over to romance investors and donors with Valentine-themed promotions! Here are some that didn?t quite make it off the drawing board:

Nevada State Tourism Board
?Nothing Says I LOVE YOU Like Legalized Prostitution and Gambling? T-shirts, baseball caps, and coffee mugs.

Ku Klux Klan
*Valentine’s Day Heart Burning, co-sponsored by Alka Seltzer

Vatican Public Relations Office
*?Naughty Altar Boy? limited edition ceramic figurine

American Heart Association
*Chocolate heart with marshallow-filled arteries. Simultaneously a touching token of love and a serious warning to an overweight sweetheart.

Daughters of the American Revolution
*Illustrated Kama Sutra featuring George and Martha Washington. Comes with authentic period wooden dental dam.

PETA
*Spray Paint a Red Heart on Joan Rivers? Coat Competition

National Society of Organ Donors
*?My Heart Belongs to You (As Soon As I’m Brain Dead)? cards.

Department of Homeland Security
*Moving the Valentine’s Day National Warning System Code Red for a ?High Risk of Lovin??