Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.

The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.”

The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?”

“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity.”

Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”

“Oh God no!” the girl says. “I just got sick of waiting.”

The gap between your teeth is so big, I don’t know whether to smile back at you or kick a field goal.

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says “If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me.” She leans up to him and whispers “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

A Prayer for the Dying
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My penis died.”

Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.

“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your penis had died!”

“It did. Today’s the viewing.”

Terrence Blakely
Dallas, TX

A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.

The barber smiled at her and said, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.”

“I know,” the little girl replied. “I’m gonna get tits, too.”

Heidi
Winnipeg, NE

Did you hear they are thinking of changing the Dallas Cowboys to the Dallas Possums?

“No, why?”

Because they play dead at home and they die on the road.

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife’s birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He’ll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ”Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.”
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ”All that money and they didn’t even iron it?!”

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog!