What’s the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she’s making little sleeping bags for mice.

You so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped yo’ mama!

A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, “Whoever can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”

A little old man in the back of the room yells, “An elephant.”

The old lady says, “Close enough.”

Rich
Overland Park, KS

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

Yo’ mama so country, she thought an elevator was a mobile home!

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husbandmissing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, shecould hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not findingher husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched inthe corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Rememberwhen your father caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you,or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out “The President Sucks.” Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
“The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President.”
“Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?”
“The handwriting’s the first lady’s.”

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

“If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

“Are you nuts?” asks the bartender. “You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.”

“Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

“It’s a period,” said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

Eric
Rockingham, NC

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea’s lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you’re from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day