What do you call a blond with two brain cells? ”PREGNANT”

It’s Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”

There is a long pause.

“Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?”

Q: Why do blondes smile when there’s lightning?

A: Because they think they’re getting their picture taken!

Add the beds, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I’ll multiply!

What do you call a guy with a blue penis?

A tight-fisted wanker.

What are the two things a cat is good for?

Altitude and distance!

Why wouldn’t JFK make a good boxer? He can’t take a shot to the head!

Periscope Down

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

Sam Curtis
Cincinnati, OH

A guy walks into see his doctor and the doctor asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

The guy replies, “I just can’t seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me you fat ugly bastard?”

Steve
Tampa, FL

Don’t trust volleyball players with your drinks.
“Why?”
“They might spike ‘em.”