A wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy littlenegligee she wore on their wedding night. She looked at him andsaid, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looked up at her and replied, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“That’s right,” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nods and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

He responded, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, ’Ohhhhhhh,Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!’”

She giggled and said, “Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said and now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Again, he looked up at her and looked her up and down and said, “Mission Accomplished.”

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a bigblonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person…because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large…all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

There was a man from Leek
Who instead of a nose had a beak.
It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird
He migrates at the end of next week.

Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized. She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond. As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, “I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?”

Chris Duryee
Elizabeth, NJ

Yo momma’s breath stink so bad when she burps, her teeth duck!

What would you call an Arab who owns a harem of cows?

A milk sheik!

You might be a redneck if you consider the fifth grade your senior year!

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head!”

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

What’s the difference between a nun on her knees in a church, and a woman on her knees in a bathtub?

The nun has hope in her soul and the woman has soap in her hole.