There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickens.”

The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickens are there in that there sack, can I have one?”

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right.”

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

A man asked a blonde what she thought about blonde jokes.

She replied, ”I think they are good but they might be offensive to some mexicans.”

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybodysitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.  He asks his father for help.  "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a   million dollars.  Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister’s room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer’s funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help.
Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?”
“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?

“Neato…Doughnut seeds!”

What do you call a dirty old man who lives in a box?
Your dad!

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.

Several months later the guy’s eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding – more so now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.

Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.

On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.

“No, I’ve always taken a 15-inch neck.”

“But sir, you have a 17-inch neck.”

“Listen – I’m 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I’ve taken a 15-inch neck.”

“Okay, I’ll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?”

“What?”

“It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude.”