A reporter is interviewing an old man in Arkansas and asks for a funny story.

“Well, there was that time one of ol’ Ted’s sheep got lost in the woods,” says the old-timer. “The boys got together, brought a few jugs of moonshine, and went looking for it. By the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk we took turns screwin’ it till we passed out.”

“My god!” the reporter exclaims. “I can’t print that in a respectable paper! Do you have any sad stories?”

The old man’s eyes well up with tears. “Well, there was that time I got lost in the woods…”

Kenyatta Hughes
Steamburg, NY

Pink Plastic Passion

Q: Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?

A: Because Ken came in a different box.

Q: What do fat girls do in the summer?

A: Stink.

The Kindness of Strangers
A man and a woman who have never met before are assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a transcontinental train. After some initial awkwardness, they settle into their respective berths for the night.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes up the woman, and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?”

The woman leans out and says with a grin, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight let’s pretend we’re married.”

“You mean…”

“Yep, get your own damn blanket!”

Nick Harold
Miami, FL

Q: What do girls and rocks have in common?

A: Everyone skips the flat ones.

Jesse
Peyton, CO

Overseas Tease

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

Q: Why do men pay way more for car insurance?

A: Because women can’t get blow jobs while driving.

Bill Himmings
Atlanta

Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is, “What is Easter?”

The first blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful.”

“Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I’m afraid. You must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter.

Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question, “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she’s wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

Then the third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!”

Brian Eppes

A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, “Whoever can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”

A little old man in the back of the room yells, “An elephant.”

The old lady says, “Close enough.”

Rich
Overland Park, KS

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husbandmissing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, shecould hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not findingher husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched inthe corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Rememberwhen your father caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you,or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”