Skirting the Issue

Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: Why do men name their peckers?

A: We don’t want a total stranger making 90 percent of our decisions.

Wendell Peterson
Marietta, GA

A burly Irishman is drinking in a bar. A tiny gay fellow sits beside him. After a few beers, the gay guy whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”

The gigantic man flips out, roars in anger, and tosses the little guy out of the bar, then returns to his stool.

The shocked bartender says, “I’ve never seen you react like that. What did that guy say?”

“Dunno. Something about a job.”
—Kyle Hall, Albany, NY

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Larry MichelliBogota, NJ

It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

“Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.”The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says, “my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.” He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. “Yup, yup,” the dad continues. “She loves that screwing. Just can’t get enough of it.”

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. “Damn it, Daddy!” she screams. “The twist! It’s called the twist!”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard. While cruising along, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought for sure she’d seen the light turn red, but said nothing, for fear that she was imagining things.

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection in which the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light was red. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and the two went right through it. Finally, the passenger turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us.”

Mildred turned to her and replied, “Oh, shit! Am I driving?”

James Lui-Yee

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.

“Man, I wish I could do that,” says one of the guys.

“You can,” says the other. “Just let him sniff your hand first.”

Todd Belgore
Irving, TX

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

Paint stripping

Did you hear about the new paint color that’s coming out? It’s called blonde. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of shit in our garden.”