Dog Formerly Known as Spot
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn’t matter—he won’t come.

J.F. O’Mill
Mercer, PA

Joke 3:16

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of the nature of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps you should start at the very beginning.”

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth."

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

Art
Chicago

A man walks into a bar and notices a miniature man sitting on a table playing a miniature piano. He’s fascinated and asks the bartender, “How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?” The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish.” “And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?” “Well, not exactly.”

Parental Discretion
Johnny gets up in the middle of the night to get a drink. His little brother Billy hears him and gets up, too. On the way to the kitchen, they hear noise coming from their parents’ bedroom and decide to peek through the keyhole.

Johnny goes first. “Oh, my,” he says, backing away.

Billy takes a look. After a few seconds, he says angrily, “I can’t believe it.”

“What? What can’t you believe?” asks his brother.

“I can’t believe Mom has the nerve to yell at me for sucking my thumb!”

Rick Laipply
Louisville, KY

David Copperfield is doing his Vegas show and asks if anyone in the audience would like to show him a trick.

“I will,” yells a guy, “but I need your gorgeous assistant and a table.”

David agrees, and the guy walks up onstage, bends the hottie over the table, pulls her pants down, and starts humping her from behind.

Copperfield screams, “Hey, that isn’t a trick!”

The guys says, “I know. It’s fucking magic!”

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He screeches to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, followed by a deafening gunshot blast.

“Ok,” the hunter says. “Now what?”

Q: Why did O.J. want to move to West Virginia?

A: Everyone there has the same DNA.

Q: What’s the most sensitive part of the body when jacking off?

A: Your ears.

Anthony
Pearl City, HI

Unnatural Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice.”

“I can help you,” says the doc. “Take these pills and come back next week.”

The next week, the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek.”

The doctor says, “Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing.”