There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickens.”

The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickens are there in that there sack, can I have one?”

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right.”

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybodysitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looks up and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

A second-grade teacher is going over some vocabulary and asks if any student can use the word beautiful twice in the same sentence.

Suzie raises her hand and says, “Julie bought herself a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Good job. How about you, Joe?”

“That’s easy,” he says. “Last night my sister told my father she was pregnant. He said, ‘Beautiful?fucking beautiful.’”

A.T. Bailey
Baltimore, MD

A wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy littlenegligee she wore on their wedding night. She looked at him andsaid, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looked up at her and replied, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“That’s right,” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nods and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

He responded, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, ’Ohhhhhhh,Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!’”

She giggled and said, “Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said and now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Again, he looked up at her and looked her up and down and said, “Mission Accomplished.”

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a bigblonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person…because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large…all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

A guy asks a young blonde he’s just slept with, “Am I the first guy you ever made love to?”

The blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, “You might be. Your face looks familiar.”

-Nate Dobberpuhl, North Pole, AK

One day Adam and Eve noticed God standing before them holding a bag.

“Hi, God. What’s in the bag?” asked Eve.

“These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation.” Godrummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standingup?”

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. “Me! Me!Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work Icould get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would helpso much when I’m out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!”

“Well, all right,” says God. “Now, let’s see what we have for you, Eve.” Godrummages about a bit more in the bag.

“Ah, right. Multiple orgasms.”

Periscope Down

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”

“About three knots,” says the hooker.

“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

Sam Curtis
Cincinnati, OH

A guy walks into see his doctor and the doctor asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

The guy replies, “I just can’t seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me you fat ugly bastard?”

Steve
Tampa, FL

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?”

The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?”

Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.”

And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!”

With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”

J. Wruble
Los Angeles, CA