He’s Crafty

Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
—Nicole Lizarazo, Montvale, NJ

A policeman pulls a guy over for swerving all over the place. He looks at the driver, then at his wife in the front seat, then back to the guy.

“You been drinking?” asks the officer.

“No,” he replies. “Her daddy owns a Maserati dealership.”

Dale Edmonds
Troy, AL

A reporter is interviewing an old man in Arkansas and asks for a funny story.

“Well, there was that time one of ol’ Ted’s sheep got lost in the woods,” says the old-timer. “The boys got together, brought a few jugs of moonshine, and went looking for it. By the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk we took turns screwin’ it till we passed out.”

“My god!” the reporter exclaims. “I can’t print that in a respectable paper! Do you have any sad stories?”

The old man’s eyes well up with tears. “Well, there was that time I got lost in the woods…”

Kenyatta Hughes
Steamburg, NY

Pink Plastic Passion

Q: Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?

A: Because Ken came in a different box.

Q: What do fat girls do in the summer?

A: Stink.

The Kindness of Strangers
A man and a woman who have never met before are assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a transcontinental train. After some initial awkwardness, they settle into their respective berths for the night.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, wakes up the woman, and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?”

The woman leans out and says with a grin, “I have a better idea. Just for tonight let’s pretend we’re married.”

“You mean…”

“Yep, get your own damn blanket!”

Nick Harold
Miami, FL

Q: What do girls and rocks have in common?

A: Everyone skips the flat ones.

Jesse
Peyton, CO

Overseas Tease

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

Q: Why do men pay way more for car insurance?

A: Because women can’t get blow jobs while driving.

Bill Himmings
Atlanta