A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husbandmissing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, shecould hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not findingher husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched inthe corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Rememberwhen your father caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you,or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”

A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

“It’s a period,” said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

Eric
Rockingham, NC

A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately starts crying.

The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”

The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”

The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last day.”

Jason Taylor
Kawartha Lakes CA

Grass on the Field

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.

“Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“

“Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?”

“Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…”

A man rushes into a bar, and after catching his breath he says, “Quick, pour me twelve drinks!”

Without thinking the bartender pours twelve shots. The man starts firing them back as fast as he can when he is stopped by the bartender.

“Aren’t you drinking those kind of fast, buddy?”

The man replies, “You would be drinking this fast if you had what Ihave.”

The bartender steps away and asked, “What do you have?”

The man replies, “75 cents.”

Chris
San Antonio, TX

A deaf-mute strolls into a pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms. Unfortunately, he can’t find the rubbers. Because he doesn’t speak, he tries explaining to the pharmacist with his hands, but the pharmacist fails to understand.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute guy unzips his pants, pulls his penis out, and (thud!) drops it onto the counter. Then he lays a five-dollar bill down next to it.

“Ah,” says the pharmacist. Smiling, he also unzips his pants and flops his penis on the counter. Then he pockets the deaf man’s cash. The man begins to curse in sign language. “Sorry,” says the pharmacist. “If you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t gamble.”

A burly Irishman is drinking in a bar. A tiny gay fellow sits beside him. After a few beers, the gay guy whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”

The gigantic man flips out, roars in anger, and tosses the little guy out of the bar, then returns to his stool.

The shocked bartender says, “I’ve never seen you react like that. What did that guy say?”

“Dunno. Something about a job.”
—Kyle Hall, Albany, NY

Duck! Hunters!

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, “Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here.”

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, “I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property.”

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. “That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property,” he tells him. “I’m going to shoot his cow!” He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, “I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!”

A Prayer for the Dying
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My penis died.”

Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.

“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your penis had died!”

“It did. Today’s the viewing.”

Terrence Blakely
Dallas, TX

A little girl accompanied her father to the barbershop. While her dad received a haircut, the little girl stood next to the barber chair, enjoying a snack cake.

The barber smiled at her and said, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.”

“I know,” the little girl replied. “I’m gonna get tits, too.”

Heidi
Winnipeg, NE