Q: Why did O.J. want to move to West Virginia?

A: Everyone there has the same DNA.

Q: What’s the most sensitive part of the body when jacking off?

A: Your ears.

Anthony
Pearl City, HI

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.”

Giving Is Receiving
A wife arrives home after a business trip and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous coed. Just as the wife is about to storm out of the house, the husband says, “Before you leave you should know exactly how this came about. This afternoon Julie here rang our doorbell and asked for clothing donations for a charity. I gave her those shoes you no longer wear. I rummaged around and found that birthday sweater you hate and all the suits you claim don’t fit you anymore. So I donated them too. Then she asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are.”

Nikki Cahill
Denver, CO

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Kevin Spencer
Charlotte, NC

Union dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I’m sorry, it isn’t," she says.

"Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mighty offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop.

Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That’s more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. "I’d like her for the night."

"I’m sure you would, sir, but…" says the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority."

A Prayer for the Dying
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My penis died.”

Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”

Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.

“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your penis had died!”

“It did. Today’s the viewing.”

Terrence Blakely
Dallas, TX

Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?”

The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?”

The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!’”

Seth Meier
Sound Beach, NY

Two buddies are talking and one says to the other, “Listen, I think my wife is dead.”

“How come?”

“She’s the same in bed, but the dishes keep piling up…”

Gabe Mandler
Brooklyn, NY

One Step Over the Line

A doctor is caught having sex with one of his patients, and within minutes the whole hospital is talking about it. Later that day he’s cornered by an administrator, who says, “Rumor has it you had sex with a patient. I demand an explanation.”

“Look,” says the doc. “I’m single. I’m not the first doctor to screw one of his patients, and I won’t be the last. So what’s the big deal?”

“But, Sam, you’re a veterinarian!”

—Damion Masterson, Las Cruces, NM