Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at adultum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.   Arrangements were made.  But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA’s response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

What did the dog say when it sat on sandpaper?
Ruff!

Father Murphy was a very poor priest in a very poor parish and he needed money. He bought a horse to enter in a local race, but the horse turned out to be a donkey. Still, Father Murphy took it as God’s will and entered the donkey in the race anyway. The donkey came in third and the newspaper said, “FATHER MURPHY’S ASS SHOWS!”

Encouraged, Father Murphy entered the donkey in another race. The donkey came in first and the papers said, “FATHER MURPHY’S ASS UP FRONT!” He entered the animal in yet another race. This time it came in second and the papers read, “FATHER MURPHY’S ASS BACK IN PLACE!”.

The archbishop heard of the priest’s activities and decided the church didn’t approve of gambling. He ordered Father Murphy to pull the donkey out of all future races. The papers announced, “ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY’S ASS!”

The Father gaves the donkey to one of the nuns, Sister Agatha and the papers said, “NUN OWNS BEST ASS IN TOWN!”But eventually Sister Agatha got tired of tending the donkey, and sold it to a children’s home for only ten dollars. And the newspapers blared, “NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR $10!”

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I’ve been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t giving’ him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I’m KEEPING’ ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.

What are the two things a cat is good for?

Altitude and distance!

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.

Mrs. Andrews named her cat Love because it was so affectionate. One day, when Love failed to return home, Mrs. Andrews went out to look for her lost cat. Since she was wearing nothing but a bathrobe, a police officer stopped her and asked, “What are you doing?” Mrs. Andrews replied, “I was out here looking for Love.” The police officer arrested her on the spot.

What does a cat like to eat on a hot summer’s day?
A mice cream cone!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

What do you call 2 fleas on top of a bald head?
Homeless.