A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

“If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

“Are you nuts?” asks the bartender. “You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.”

“Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:? To get to the other side.

PLATO:? For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE:? It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:? It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:? Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN:?That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:? This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:? I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:? To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:? Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:? Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.? The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.? Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and? implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:? The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:? I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES:? And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.”? And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:? You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How?many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:? The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:? The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:? Why does anyone cross a road?? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

FREUD:? The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:? I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE:? The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

CHARLES DARWIN:? Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:? Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:? The chicken did not cross the road… it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:? To die.? In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:? I missed one?

BILL CLINTON:? I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN:? To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.:? Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

GRANDPA:? In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH:? The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

“Well,” said the first one, “I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.”

“I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.”

“I’ve got you both beat,” said the third. “I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.”

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. “Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere because I’m too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.”

1. Throughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ”powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.

A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl.
The teller tells him, “ Yes, you are.”
The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?”
The teller says, “In biology class!”

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a booth.

Eventually, he and another man got into an argument about whose dog could whoop the other dog.

The man said, “Let’s have a fight out back.”

”Okay” said the other.

When they got their dogs, one man opened a case and brought out a 12 inch long yellow dog.

That dog proceeded to kill every other dog in town.

When one man asked, ”Where did you get that dog?” the man said, ”Well, before I cut its tail off and painted it yellow, it was an alligator.”

How can you tell the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
The Beer Nuts are about a dollar fifty and the Deer Nuts are under a Buck

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at adultum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.   Arrangements were made.  But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA’s response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."